Aside: This has absolutely nothing to do with the story. I would just like to take this time to gush that the “likes” on my Facebook page hit 100 this week!!! (Let’s pretend one of those isn’t me, and one of those isn’t my dummy account to see what my posts look like). It’s not that I had a goal or anything and I normally wouldn’t brag about such things–I’d be happy with five “likes” (and two of them would really be me, remember. The other three? My pimp, my dealer, and my big booty ho).
I’ve been secretly obsessed with this number only because after an initially rapid and then steady incline of “likes” over my first few blonths (blog months, duh), the count then flatlined at 98. For months. For blonths. I could have harassed some of you into submission (I did subtly hint at it in theVERYsingle search terms #3: The Final Chapter (because you people ruin everything), but I guess it was too subtle and no one caught it, or cared), but I thought the victory would feel that much sweeter if it wasn’t by my gunpoint. I just hoped and prayed to the gods of television that just two more people would “like” me. Thanks for being the 99th and 100th, Renata and Natalie (and now you’re famous!).
It’s been almost a month since my last post. It was Christmas. I didn’t want to take away from Jesus. And I bought a new TV. You understand.
I buy most of my groceries at the friendly neighbourhood FreshCo (formerly Price Chopper. Fancier name, but still the store where I once watched a patron and store manager scream obscenities over each other’s “attitude problem.” The altercation lasted a good ten minutes and culminated in the manager spitting on the other guy. It’s a classy joint). One fateful afternoon, I participated in what I will henceforth call, the ever-so-elusive and tantalizing, Foodstuffs Foxtrot.
Definition: The Foodstuffs Foxtrot (also known as the Grocery Store Grind, or the Supermarket Shuffle/Salsa/Samba/Shim sham/Swing/Square dance, take your pick, but I really wanted to use the word “foodstuffs”) is a dance between two strangers, probably of equal attractiveness, that materializes in a grocery establishment as they inadvertently find themselves in close proximity to each other throughout their shopping excursion. You might accidentally reach for the same apple in the produce section, then almost run this person over with your cart when you turn the corner in the bakery, then catch a glimpse from a distance at the opposite end of the cereal aisle, and finally end up together in the same checkout line. You smile and acknowledge this person, but make no real conversation, and you leave feeling your life could have been forever changed, if only this was a movie and people actually talk to strangers.
My most recent Foodstuffs Foxtrot went as follows:
We first locked eyes from afar in the produce section. I reached for a bag of grapes as he looked up from the potatoes. I thought, “Ooooooo, he’s cute!” but shyly looked away. Queen of coy.
A few minutes later, while picking up some Trop50 (orange juice–half the sugar and calories!), I sensed cute boy’s cute aura coming down the aisle. Sure enough, as I casually turned my head in his general direction, we locked eyes AGAIN! Tehehe! Giddy, I continued to shop.
We kept ending up heading down the same aisle at the same time from opposite directions. Each time, a smile was exchanged as we passed one another. I don’t think our running into each other was deliberate. I certainly wasn’t following him. Very little can distract me when it comes to food. So was he following me?! OR, do we have the same eating habits so we’re meant to beeeeeeeee?!
We separated for a while towards the end, but somehow ended up back together again in frozen foods! Then, I became pre-occupied with my usual internal struggle: “Hmmmmm…..Rainbow sorbet or vanilla frozen yogurt? Both are healthier alternatives to ice cream, and both are delicious. What am I in the mood for? Rainbow sorbet is fruity, which is nice, but I can make vanilla frozen yogurt fruity too by adding some fresh berries. So there’s more taste variety potential with the vanilla frozen yogurt. But the rainbow sorbet has fewer calories and zero fat. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh…..What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?…..” I went with the rainbow sorbet. I put it next to the Cheetos.*
As I headed to the checkout, there was no sign of cute boy. Ah well. He’s gone. Another one bites the dust. I got in line.
But who lines up DIRECTLY BEHIND ME??!!! EEEEEEEEEE!!! What are the odds?! He totally wants my bod.
I casually placed my groceries on the belt. When I slid the divider to the end of my items so he could start putting his on, he said, “Thank you.” I said, “You’re welcome.” Shakespeare.
His cell phone rang.
Oh hell no.
This was his ringtone (CRANK IT, you won’t be disappointed):
How freaking CREEPY is THAT???!!!!
And that’s not all.
The man lined up behind him said, “Wow, that’s an interesting ringtone.”
Cute boy replied, “Yeah, it’s the ringtone for my ex.”
Cuckoo! Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
He didn’t answer the phone. He just let it ring in all its creepy glory. It even got to the part at 0:18 seconds when the music gets really dark.
Needless to say, the moment was ruined. I packed up my groceries and got the hell outta there!
But wait a minute. He did say “ex.” Trying to hint that he’s single? And he didn’t answer the phone. Trying to be courteous? Did I just blow off Prince Charming?
Guest excerpt: Cute boy
S’up. I’m not really sure what this single girl is talking about, but here are the thoughts I remember having during that particular shopping trip:
Mmmmmmmm. I could really go for some grapes.
Hey, that girl is cute!…If only the troll holding the Trop50 would get out of the way so I can look at her.
I think that weirdo girl with the grapes and Trop50 is stalking me. Better change my route.
Shit. I really want some ice cream but that chick has been standing in front of the freezer for a really long time blocking my way. Sorbet?! Who is she kidding? I see the Cheetos. I’ll circle the store and come back when she’s gone.
Oh goodie, a short line! I’ll just file in behind….DAMN IT. That girl again. Quick, what’s a ringtone I can randomly play that will scare her away?
And what can I say about this ringtone to seal the deal?
*I don’t actually buy Cheetos. I don’t know why I keep referencing them. I just can’t think of anything that screams “junk food” better. Because I do buy that.