Suicidal snow

Hey kids, remember meeeeeeee? It’s your friendly neighbourhood, half-assed “blogger”! You don’t? Oh.

I decided to cool it on the blog over the holidays, you know, for Jesus’ sake. But then my computer crashed on Dec. 27 (thanks a lot, Jesus!). I brought it to the computer fixing people, it was sent to the manufacturer and I STILL don’t have it back. I have to type this on a tiny, ancient Netbook, so this will be short and sweet.

On Sunday, I went grocery shopping and bought ingredients to make soup. This was an impromptu decision. I didn’t have a list and had to buy the ingredients based on memory.

I thought I nailed it, until I got home and consulted the recipe. BROTH. I forgot the damn broth. You know, the thing that forms the entire base of the soup. Idiot.

We got a shit-ton of snow over the weekend. I was dreading going back out into the wild, so I wrestled with whether or not I should even bother. My laziness put up a good fight, but in the end, the soup won.

Since I was just running out to the grocery store down the street, I didn’t properly bundle up. I hastily threw on my boots and coat (unzipped, no hood) and headed out the door.

I really thought this only happened in the movies, but by now, let’s not bother to feign surprise.

Unbeknownst to me, at that moment, a giant snow drift dangled from the roof above, contemplating life. When I shut the door, it decided in that opportune moment to plummet to its death and fall directly onto my head.

SLAM. WOOSH.

It hit with such force I almost fell down the stairs. It felt like a prank! Somewhere, a young Macaulay Culkin was snickering and yelling, “Have you had enough? Or are you thirsty for more?”

I was so surprised and angry that I purposely belted out, “WHAT THE FUCK??!!!” loud enough for the neighbours to hear, as I stumbled back into the house. I looked in the mirror next to the door and realized just how much snow was on my head and in my hair. I looked like the abominable snowman with runny mascara. I stomped back outside and patted all the snow off my head. But by “patted,” I mean aggressively smacked. Remember Oliver’s freak out on The OC? (“STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!!!”) It was more like that.

Apologies for the quality of that clip. Apparently, this scene is not as regularly referenced in the real world as I regularly reference it in my own life.

Funny thing about snow: It melts. When I got back from the store, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realized I had morphed from the abominable snowman with runny mascara to a drowned rat with runny mascara.

The soup was meh.

theVERYsinglegirl

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