Have you ever…

…called all the Esso stations in your city to find out if they sell slushies at that location, and if so, what flavours?

…slipped on ice and fell flat on your back in the middle of the street at 3am while carrying a slice of pizza which landed face down a few feet away, rescued the pizza, and still ate it when you got home after dusting off most of the snow and pebbles?

…as a teenager been watching a movie with your dad and a sex scene comes on, so to avoid the awkwardness, he fast-forwards it, except to both of your horror, it unfortunately just makes the action on-screen go faster and harder and you want to die?

…wondered what is stuck to your shirt, only to realize it is snot from an earlier sneeze?

…voted for Jacob Hoggard 300 times in one night when he was on Canadian Idol?

…belligerently argued your way into a prize at a friend’s work Christmas party because you insisted that your birthday, on November 6th, was closer to Christmas than another person’s birthday, on December 27th, because it should be like The Price Is Right–closest without going over?

…made out with someone along a busy street thinking that the honking cars passing by were just applauding the make out, only to realize you didn’t notice that your tube top had slipped down exposing the beige strap-less bra you’ve had since grade eight?

…planned your honeymoon to your future husband to take place in New York City for the sole reason of going to watch David Letterman and being chosen for “Know Your Cuts of Meat,” so when Dave learns you’re on your honeymoon, he’ll naturally say to your husband, “What’s the matter with you? You bring her here for your honeymoon?,” and then he’ll turn to you and say, “It’s not too late you know,” and you’ll respond coyly, “Why do you think I’m here, Dave?,” which induces his signature heeheehee laugh and tongue across the teeth as the audience erupts in laughter and applause?

…loved school so much that when you found out your grandma died, you didn’t cry, but when you realized it meant that you had to miss the first day of second semester for the funeral, then you started to cry? *hangs head in shame

…been ostracized from your group of friends because when planning Secret Santa, you insisted that people step up the gifts because you always put thought and effort into your gift and yet always seem to end up with some shitty stuff from the dollar store and still can’t conceive how anyone could get the spirit of giving wrong?

…told someone that if you could come back as any animal, it would be a duck, and when that person said they heard that male ducks rape female ducks, for some reason your first reaction was to say, “Oh, then I’d be a male duck”?

…as a chubby, awkward girl with two braces on her two front teeth, been cast as the genie in an elementary school choir production of Aladdin, but then have the role mysteriously deemed not critical to the production, so it became a genie-less Aladdin?

…gotten very drunk and woke up the next morning horrified to see blood all over your bed, but then realized that it was actually just your puke because you ate a lot of cinnamon hearts the previous day?

Me neither…



6 thoughts on “Have you ever…

  1. I’ve slipped on ice at 1am, in the middle of the street, while carrying a shwarma…that garlicky concoction went flying, but I did go after it. And I still ate it.

    I mean, c’mon…it’s shwarma. Of course I’m still gonna eat it.

    1. *salivates like Homer Simpson looking at a donut* …..I don’t blame you!

  2. We were very strict household so those movies never made it into the house, but when a very sexy woman was shown on TV, Dad always said, “Take advantage of this…”

    1. Hahaha, sounds like a good man, your dad.

  3. I seem to recall various 2a.m. trips to get poutine…eating said poutine on the way back home and slipping the in the middle of the street and wearing the poutine…only to try to scrap it back into its container before the on coming traffic took me out!
    It was good poutine and I am not wasting it!!

    1. Totally worth it. I feel like oncoming traffic would happily stop if they understood the situation.

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