In addition to occasionally experiencing sleep paralysis and hypnagogic/hypnapompic images (look them up–it’s more common and not as weird as you’d think. I swear. It’s super interesting and sciencey! In fact, I bet at some point you’ve experienced them too! No? Hmmm…I should get checked out), I am also a very light sleeper. Any little noise or movement wakes me in the night. Sharing a bed with another person is hell for me (a bright side of being single! Convincing?).
I know there’s nothing sexier than sleep disorders but please, boys, control yourselves. Settle down. Show some restraint. Easy now.
Of course, when I moved to my new apartment, I learned (after sweetly but tactfully confronting the couple who lives above me by marching up to their apartment at midnight on a Wednesday to ask them to stop playing Guitar Hero) that the wife works shift work. So someone is up and stomping around pretty much 24 hours of the day. Like clockwork, every night at 4:00am, I can hear her either shower and leave for work, or get home from work.
People are the worst.
It’s probably not healthy to knock myself out with Tylenol Cold every night, so I had to come up with a solution. After trying every type of ear plug on the market (the new fancy bullet shaped ones are too big for my ears, and the moldable silicone swimming ones end up stuck in my hair), I have finally honed in on my fool-proof sleep regimen: A fan, a white noise machine, and ear plugs (classic yellow cylinder-shaped foam). Ok, now come and get me, boys!
Last year, I spent a weekend at a cottage with friends. After trying to sleep in the living room with all the fidgeting and snoring other people (they really are just the worst), I picked up my air mattress in the middle of the night and created my own impenetrable sleep fortress:
You might notice the cleaning supplies and fuse box. It’s the utility closet.
Makes sense to me. It may have been strange, isolating, and cause for concern to some, but screw them. I had a blissful sleep that weekend! I’m praying to the gods of television and all that is holy that I find a nice laundry room or tool shed at this year’s cottage weekend.