Sleep Logic

In addition to occasionally experiencing sleep paralysis and hypnagogic/hypnapompic images (look them up–it’s more common and not as weird as you’d think. I swear. It’s super interesting and sciencey! In fact, I bet at some point you’ve experienced them too! No? Hmmm…I should get checked out), I am also a very light sleeper. Any little noise or movement wakes me in the night. Sharing a bed with another person is hell for me (a bright side of being single! Convincing?).

I know there’s nothing sexier than sleep disorders but please, boys, control yourselves. Settle down. Show some restraint. Easy now.

Of course, when I moved to my new apartment, I learned (after sweetly but tactfully confronting the couple who lives above me by marching up to their apartment at midnight on a Wednesday to ask them to stop playing Guitar Hero) that the wife works shift work. So someone is up and stomping around pretty much 24 hours of the day. Like clockwork, every night at 4:00am, I can hear her either shower and leave for work, or get home from work.

People are the worst.

It’s probably not healthy to knock myself out with Tylenol Cold every night, so I had to come up with a solution. After trying every type of ear plug on the market (the new fancy bullet shaped ones are too big for my ears, and the moldable silicone swimming ones end up stuck in my hair), I have finally honed in on my fool-proof sleep regimen: A fan, a white noise machine, and ear plugs (classic yellow cylinder-shaped foam). Ok, now come and get me, boys!

Last year, I spent a weekend at a cottage with friends. After trying to sleep in the living room with all the fidgeting and snoring other people (they really are just the worst), I picked up my air mattress in the middle of the night and created my own impenetrable sleep fortress:

You might notice the cleaning supplies and fuse box. It’s the utility closet.

Makes sense to me. It may have been strange, isolating, and cause for concern to some, but screw them. I had a blissful sleep that weekend! I’m praying to the gods of television and all that is holy that I find a nice laundry room or tool shed at this year’s cottage weekend.



7 thoughts on “Sleep Logic

  1. I’m a big fan of the fan (uhg, I promise I didn’t do that on purpose). My family just spent a week at a hotel with a quiet air conditioner, so we had to buy a loud fan so that we (all of us) could sleep. The angriest my wife got on the vacation was when she realized we couldn’t take the fan home with us.

    1. I travel a lot for my job and bought a white noise machine online and it changed my life. Nice and compact, and sounds exactly like a fan blowing. Plus, it makes more sense in the winter instead of blasting a fan. Get one for the next time you travel and you and your family will have pleasant sleeps, I promise!

  2. Here’s another problem; once you’ve developed a bedtime routine, it becomes very difficult to introduce somebody else. At what stage during the evening do you say ‘Do you mind if I turn on my white noise machine?’ Sound like genius though, to be fair.

    1. I’m going to pretend that that must the reason I’m single–I’m subconsciously sabotaging myself just to avoid the awkward…”soooooo…now you need to lie perfectly still and not breathe or touch me for the rest of the night…and don’t panic if I appear to be awake but frozen for a few seconds…and if an ear plug pops out in my sleep would you kindly pop it back in? We’re at that stage, right?” conversation.

      1. Use it as a test. If they don’t kowtow to your entirely reasonable demands, they obviously weren’t The One, and thus can sleep on the sofa/in the cupboard.

  3. Make a book/movie out of it and call it ‘Dealbreakers’. A roaring tale about guns and hitmen and gangsters in pinstripe suits. Because the 1920’s are awesome :).

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