Just when I thought my escapades with mail delivery couldn’t get any more pathetic, it got physical.
This past Sunday, I drove home from Toronto after staying overnight for a wedding. I carted a giant duffel bag filled with numerous pairs of shoes, fancy dresses, make-up, purses, white noise machine, etc in one hand, while struggling with the garbage from my Wendy’s stop (spicy chicken sandwich…slobber slobber yum yum ohhhh yeahhh) in the other hand, up one flight of stairs (see diagram in The Postman Screws Me Twice if you need a better visual), managed to get the key in the door, and enter my apartment.
Here is a reenactment of EXACTLY what happened according to my recollection.
WHY THE HELL does anyone think it’s a good idea to put flyers under people’s doors?! How many people open a door and immediately look to the floor??!!! Tell me. Go right now. Open a door. Where are your eyes? NOT ON THE FLOOR!!! It’s idiotic!!! My God, think of the elderly! (Though I wouldn’t fail to see the hilarious irony in someone slipping and cracking their back on a flyer for a chiropractic clinic. Or better yet, getting killed by slipping on a flyer for a funeral home. I’m sick.)
But seriously, COME ON!!!
I scrambled to my feet and immediately did this:
The first person to see this sign asked me if I called the company responsible for the flyer to complain. I did not. Because, remember, I’m afraid of confrontation. Also, I’d prefer not to fuck around with strangers who know where I live (don’t misread that). Besides, it doesn’t look like a call was necessary. Later in the week, I stepped out of my apartment to this glorious sight:
YOU’RE WELCOME, HUMANITY.
Author’s Note: Behind the Scenes
1. It took me about two hours to get these photos just right, since I used the camera timer instead of asking someone to take the photos for me because a) who am I going to ask? and b) that would just be embarrassing.
2. The original incident happened on Sunday. The photo shoot happened on Friday. I luckily was able to rescue part of the Wendy’s garbage from Sunday in my trash so I could complete the most accurate rendering possible. I did have to wipe off some garbage juice. You’ll notice the lid and paper bag did not make it. I have standards.
3. The photo of the flyers sticking out of the mailboxes is also a rendering. The flyers were actually like that on Monday, but by the time I realized I wanted to document it, someone had taken them all down. So throughout the week I checked the garbage next to the mailboxes for any discarded flyers and saved them for the photo shoot.
4. I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that I’m a garbage picker. Aaaaaand she’s single, boys!