Proof that mail, and the world, is out to get me

Just when I thought my escapades with mail delivery couldn’t get any more pathetic, it got physical.

This past Sunday, I drove home from Toronto after staying overnight for a wedding. I carted a giant duffel bag filled with numerous pairs of shoes, fancy dresses, make-up, purses, white noise machine, etc in one hand, while struggling with the garbage from my Wendy’s stop (spicy chicken sandwich…slobber slobber yum yum ohhhh yeahhh) in the other hand, up one flight of stairs (see diagram in The Postman Screws Me Twice if you need a better visual), managed to get the key in the door, and enter my apartment.

Here is a reenactment of EXACTLY what happened according to my recollection.

And then…

And then


WHY THE HELL does anyone think it’s a good idea to put flyers under people’s doors?! How many people open a door and immediately look to the floor??!!! Tell me. Go right now. Open a door. Where are your eyes? NOT ON THE FLOOR!!! It’s idiotic!!! My God, think of the elderly! (Though I wouldn’t fail to see the hilarious irony in someone slipping and cracking their back on a flyer for a chiropractic clinic. Or better yet, getting killed by slipping on a flyer for a funeral home. I’m sick.)

But seriously, COME ON!!!

I scrambled to my feet and immediately did this:

The first person to see this sign asked me if I called the company responsible for the flyer to complain. I did not. Because, remember, I’m afraid of confrontation. Also, I’d prefer not to fuck around with strangers who know where I live (don’t misread that). Besides, it doesn’t look like a call was necessary. Later in the week, I stepped out of my apartment to this glorious sight:





Author’s Note: Behind the Scenes

1. It took me about two hours to get these photos just right, since I used the camera timer instead of asking someone to take the photos for me because a) who am I going to ask? and b) that would just be embarrassing.

2. The original incident happened on Sunday. The photo shoot happened on Friday. I luckily was able to rescue part of the Wendy’s garbage from Sunday in my trash so I could complete the most accurate rendering possible. I did have to wipe off some garbage juice. You’ll notice the lid and paper bag did not make it. I have standards.

3. The photo of the flyers sticking out of the mailboxes is also a rendering. The flyers were actually like that on Monday, but by the time I realized I wanted to document it, someone had taken them all down. So throughout the week I checked the garbage next to the mailboxes for any discarded flyers and saved them for the photo shoot.

4. I guess what I’m trying to tell you is that I’m a garbage picker. Aaaaaand she’s single, boys!


22 thoughts on “Proof that mail, and the world, is out to get me

  1. This had me HOWLING!!!! You are one hilarious person Lauren!!

    1. Aw geez I’m glad you think so. Thanks Stef!

  2. This is my favourite post of yours, and shows perfectly what’s so great about you and your blog. On one hand there’s this great story, peppered with jokes (‘don’t misread that’ is genius) and with a rewarding pay-off (take that, The Man!), and on the other there’s that side I know only too well of having to let the audience in on the little secrets that add a twinge of melancholy to an otherwise normal life. I love that you had to take the photos yourself. I love that you couldn’t let yourself fabricate something unless it was authentic. Most of all I love that you didn’t need to reveal yourself, but did. Thank you.

    1. *blushes* Oh wow thanks Chris! Geez, who knew this silly little post had so much depth…you are a blog whisperer!! Even I couldn’t pull this much insight out of my own post. I really appreciate your feedback and I’m glad you liked it.

  3. WOW…TOO FUNNY! Ok, I’ll stop writing in caps but this was awesome. Great reenactment, I can tell you worked hard. Garbage picking and everything, haha. You’re too much. But in all seriousness, good point…flyers under a door, that’s just wrong! So good for you. 😀

    1. It IS just wrong! One small step (or fall) for man, one giant leap for mankind. I dream of a day when people can walk into their homes and not fall down. Mark my words, that day is coming…

      Haha, thanks!

    1. I don’t know if I’d go that far…but thanks!

  4. I used to have this exact same experience at my last apartment, especially since they were still remodeling the other three apartments in the building. Thankfully my floor was still this wonderful beat-up factory wood that had just been stained a bit (long story, but it was beautiful) and it wasn’t too slippery. Notwithstanding, however, I still narrowly avoided quite a few spills.

    1. So this is a widespread problem? Not just my idiotic mail handlers? I wonder if anyone has seriously hurt themselves from this–it’s like a booby trap in your own home! Unbelieveable. Thanks for reading!

      1. I’m beginning to think it’s more than just isolated incidents–I mean the concept of putting something under a door is simple and makes a lot of sense, but when that “something” is small and slick, you’re in for trouble.

  5. Loved the painstaking way you recreated the crime scene. Have you considered a career with NCIS ? 😆

      1. Hmmmm and I was online looking for ways to market my funeral home! Ahhhhh… you just gave me a great new marketing idea! Just kidding. Thanks for making me laugh. Working in this industry on a daily basis gives me reason for needing a good chuckle!

        1. Hahahaha it’s so funny to see the types of searches that lead to my site. Sorry I couldn’t help, but glad to have made you chuckle! Thanks for reading!

  6. If your head ended up like that you wouldn’t be breathing lady. Common…lets be more realistic here. haha You didn’t take drama class way back in high school did you? But you are a good writer and this my friend is an amazing post. Why just the other day I saw this little message of yours. You were very proud!

    1. No drama class unfortunately….I may have missed my calling. Oooooooh what could have been. And hells ya I’m proud! Haha thanks Maija

  7. Alice Kapuscinski April 4, 2013 — 5:00 pm

    good job !!

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