Pranks! And an unsolved mystery…a mysterprank!

I freaking love pranks. Pranking is hilarious (not to be confused with planking…that’s unfortunately not trending anymore. Or so people keep telling me when they find me laying face down on the couch). Carefully planning schemes to induce frustration and/or embarrassment and/or physical pain to another person is never not funny. Here are three of my most memorable pranks:

Prank #1 – the early years

One childhood April Fools Day, I put salt in the sugar bowl. Not remarkable, I know. My talents weren’t honed yet. BUT it was nonetheless hilarious because my parents didn’t happen to use sugar in their coffee that day. Or the next. Or the next. Looking back, I have a feeling that maybe my parents didn’t even put sugar in their coffee. Child-me probably just assumed that’s what grown-ups do. I totally forgot about it. A few days later, our neighbour came over to visit and my parents offered him a cup of coffee. The look on his face as he took that first sip is forever engrained in my memory. Like when the cop drinks the pee in Dumb and Dumber .

He was polite and just continued talking, but was noticeably not drinking his coffee. And it still didn’t click to me. I just sat at the kitchen counter, chin resting on my hands, feet dangling back and forth, totally aloof as I watched the grown-ups converse across the room at the kitchen table. I think one of my parents must have noticed the abandoned coffee and inquired, and that’s when he apprehensively said it didn’t taste right. CLICK! Through my stifled giggles I managed to get my parents attention and tell them about my amazing prank gone awry. They appropriately scolded me in front of our guest and asked me to apologise, but I could see it in their eyes. They were proud.

Prank #2 – mmmspanks

Kijiji is wonderful. Not too long ago, a very dear friend of mine posted “Young Professional Seeking 1 bdrm,” so I naturally fucked with her. I created an email account, mmmspanks@gmail.com, scouted houses that had “For Rent” signs on them in our area, and responded to her ad:

I’m quite proud of this message because I knew if I went too overboard she’d be suspicious–so I used what I think was a subtle yet effective combination of dimwittedness and creepiness. And she took the bait! I kept my composure as she later told me about this mmmspanks guy who responded to her ad. She was weirded out and decided to ignore him in the hopes that he’d just leave her alone. Excellent (strums fingers like Mr. Burns). The next day I sent the following message:

I again struggled to keep my composure and pretend to be just as weirded out when she told me about the second message. Days went by and I stayed silent, even as I listened to her tell others about creepy ol’ mmmspanks. Finally, the piece de resistance–she noticed a house for rent by the brewery and determined it must be mmmspanks’ place! (It was the sketchy-looking abode I scouted and decided was mmmspanks-suitable before sending the first message.) Oh how we laughed and laughed as she pointed it out when we drove by. But then I couldn’t stop laughing and decided to come clean. Blew her mind.

Prank #3 – mmmspanks: the creepshow strikes back(fires)

A year later, I decided to resurrect mmmspanks to play a prank on a guy I was seeing. He posted on Kijiji that he was looking for a roommate. As mmmspanks, I sent a message filled with questions like, “Do you see cops around your crib a lot?” and “Are the streetlights nice and dim?” and statements like, “I keep irregular hours and have lots of strangers stopping by” and “I like to party and bring home lots of ladies.”

What was supposed to happen: He’d ignore mmmspanks and tell me about the creepy guy who responded to his ad. He’d be dazzled by my moxie and wit when I revealed mmmspanks’ true identity. We’d laugh and laugh…

What happened: To my surprise, he actually responded to mmmspanks immediately and entertained the questions! (I presume to be polite…)

So now I was skating on thin ice because his unexpected response was suddenly morphing my clever little prank into an elaborate scheme that a psycho, manipulative girl would concoct to trick information out of her man (I feel like this girl would call him “MY MAN,” no?) So I made the next message obvious that it wasn’t a real inquiry. After I sent the message, I immediately visited him and asked how the roommate hunt was going. He said it was fine.

Ok. Let’s try this again.

I asked if he had any weirdos contact him.

Ah yes, someone did seem kind of strange…

While he described the mmmspanks messages, I gave him my very best, super cute, “I tricked you” smirk until he caught on. “What…Wait…That was you?!” In a split second his face went from shock to laughter to despair. I watched him fight to keep his eyes steady and his reaction jovial while his mind frantically raced to remember what he had written to a stranger who he now knew was me. I teased him and said I didn’t expect him to respond to such a creepy message in the first place. I also jokingly shamed him for not being more careful with strangers on the internet.

Our fling didn’t last. But how can a guy not be into getting fooled? Am I missing something?

~

So even though they weren’t the smoothest pranks in the world, I’m quite proud that I pulled them off.

But now comes the true purpose of this post: to settle a score.

Between prank #2 and #3, I was also the victim of a prank. Well, I’m pretty sure I was. I haven’t officially verified that it was in fact a prank because almost two years later, the culprit still remains at large. It’s a prank shrouded in mystery (a mysterprank, if you will)…Dun dun dunnnnn…

I get pranked (?)

One day, my cell phone rang so I answered it (great story). The voice on the other end–I couldn’t tell if it was male or female–was disguised as what sounded like an old Asian lady. I said, “Hello?”

“YOU FORGOT YOUR SHOES!”

“Ummm, hello? I’m not sure what you’re talking about…”

“YOUR SHOES! YOU FORGOT YOUR SHOES!” Click.

Huh. Weird. I didn’t appear to be missing any shoes. I immediately asked the victim of Prank #2 if she was behind it in retaliation. She said no. My roommate and other friends also denied involvement. Hmmmm…think, Lauren, think! Where would I leave a pair of shoes? A cobbler? But why would a cobbler inform me my shoes were ready for pick-up in that manner? That’s not very professional. Also, I didn’t bring any shoes to a cobbler for cobbling, so that can’t be it. I racked my brain trying to think of an explanation but came up with nothing. I resolved that if they called again, I’d simply ask more questions.

About a week later: “Hello?”

“YOU FORGOT YOUR SHOES!”

“Who is this?”

“YOUR SHOES!!!” Click.

Well that solved nothing. Over the next week, I continued to get shoe calls:

“YOU FORGOT YOUR SHOES!” Click.

“I HAVE YOUR SHOES!” Click.

“YOUR SHOES!!!” Click.

Finally, I decided to bring this matter to Facebook.

After a couple more phone calls:

A few days later, he/she answered my request: “Hello?”

“YOU FORGOT YOUR HIGH-HEELED SHOES!!!” Click.

The person said “high-heeled” very emphatically. Therefore, I deduced that obviously this person, or at least the thug holding a gun to the caller’s temple, is a Facebook friend. Ah ha! Elementary, my dear Watson!

Over a month went by with no calls. Can’t imagine why. But I did eventually get another call: “Hello?”

“YOU STILL FORGOT YOUR HIGH-HEELED SHOES!”

That was it. I haven’t been contacted since. As you can see below, the space I left when I made note of this event in my notebook (I’m like freaking Harriet the Spy) is waiting to be filled.

Without any other clues, I have no choice but to continue to accuse the victim of Prank #2. She had motive, and holding out on the truth for this long might be her version of besting me. So until the true pranker steps forward, I can never truly trust one of my closest friends. Every time she compliments my shoes or stops to look at shoes through a store window or wears shoes, I secretly question our friendship. Can’t you see you’re driving a wedge, phantom pranker?! Fess up, you coward! I’m not even mad. I’m impressed. – Ron Burgundy

But at least people are calling me.

theVERYsinglegirl

.

.

Author’s Note: Pranking can be very dangerous and irresponsible. It can ruin lives, and even, as I’ve unfortunately experienced, end lives. I hate to finish on a sad note, but I’m afraid I must report a controversial death that my pranking directly caused:

RIP, mmmspanks. 2010-2012.

You got me through some good pranks (mmmspranks!). But now that I’ve unmasked your identity, you are no longer of use to me, so I must put you down.

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27 comments

    • theverysinglegirl

      Haha good call. Look at the success of Punked!, Just For Laughs, Jackass, etc. What’s funnier than pointing and laughing at the misfortunes of others from the comfort of your couch?

      Thanks Rebecca!

    • theverysinglegirl

      From a fake email address, no less. How original. What’s the matter, phone bill getting too high?

      But here is how I know you’re an imposter.

      1) If I ever owned a red pair of high-heeled shoes, don’t you think I’d be doing a bit better for myself right about now?

      2) Your IP address (that’s right, you underestimate my creepiness) is in the UK. Unless you were so ashamed of your prank calls you fled to Great Britain, you are likely not the real deal.

      Although, I wouldn’t put it past the true pranker to manipulate an IP address. So damn it.

      I’m going to make a bold accusation and guess Chris Biscuits is behind this comment, being the only person I know (cyberly, that is) in the UK. Though he’s so busy and important after being “Freshly Pressed” I’d be shocked if he found the time to read my lowly post. So perhaps not.

      People, I don’t have time for this madness! How am I supposed to juggle watching a Nip/Tuck marathon for the second time AND cracking this case AND the original case?!

    • theverysinglegirl

      ALSO, how was “guesswho@gmail.com” not taken already? Am I supposed to believe that other people out there are not doing stuff like this?

      It’s been a day now. I’m going crazy. Do you not know who you’re messing with here?! I’m going to pass out from over-speculation. Imposter, or real deal, own up! I promise not to cut you hard.

      • Chris Biscuits

        Bloody hell, I’ve just seen this. Here’s two reasons why it’s not me: 1) I would have done a better joke than that and 2) I already use a pseudonym, and it would have much much creepier (and more fun for me) to have made you think that the person you’ve been cybre-chatting to for two months is actually one of your close friends spinning an incredibly elaborate lie and faking an IP. (The seeds of doubt have been sewn now…) I’m also creeped out considerably that you would work out an IP and track it down.

        Fortunately, I can narrow it down to one person with this sense of humour. (It’s like Cluedo, this) Pack it in, Joe.

        I had not, in fact, seen your post – I did however spend much of the last couple of days checking my Reader for all the posts I’ve missed whilst dealing with new ones, (which is why I haven’t replied to an earlier comment of yours) and I’m surprised and disappointed in myself for missing this one. Sorry about that. It is a smashing post, I love mmmspanks’ name, and was saddend to hear of his passing. What an excellent joke killing him off is.

        Seriously though, you forgot your red high heeled shoes.

          • theverysinglegirl

            Is it possible a random person neither of us know happened to leave this comment? From your hometown?! (which I did not realize, by the way! That makes it so much creepier!)

            Re: “work out an IP” I just copied the address which WordPress provides and pasted it in a search. I don’t even fully understand what an IP is, so there was no “working out”. Believe it or not, I have better things to do in life….ok don’t believe it.

            WEIRDEST THING EVER!!!!! UNLESS WordPress screwed up the IP and since you frequently comment on my blog, yours somehow got inserted with this mysterious “afriend” comment? Is that even possible? Wow.

            I get the feeling I’m going to feel REALLY stupid about this soon.

          • Chris Biscuits

            I’m trying to get to the bottom of this, I just sent you an email, did you get it? There’s definitely two mysteries involved, by the way: afriend is just capitalising on someone else’s proper mystery.

          • theverysinglegirl

            Also, I only just after reading your latest post realized you use a pseudonym. I just thought, “How lovely for a British person to have the last name Biscuits!” I figured your country was full of people with last names like Chips and Crumpets and Tea. Much like mine is filled with the last names Hockey and Beaver and Poutine.

          • Chris Biscuits

            There is a famous drummer called Chuck Biscuits. I love that he sounds like an instruction. ‘You: play guitar. You: play bass. You: chuck biscuits.’ (Chuck is might-only-be-British slang for throw.)

            I think you might be my favouritest ever id you thought that was my real name. I’m sorry to disappoint you. I in turn am dismayed you’re not called Lauren Moosey-Milkbag.

  1. Jason

    For my twenty-first birthday, Minh Nguyen and Matt Grimminck put my cell number in the paper under the Male Escorts section. I had dudes calling me for weeks looking to “hang out,” because I was “21 and Fun”. I still have the ad from the Free Press.

  2. Maija Chalut

    I WISH I was the one calling you about your shoes. Sorry to say I still think its the person from Prank #2 coming for retaliation.
    Also….Where have you places mmmmspanks. I must go for a visit and I do send my regards.

  3. Nick

    I once made someone pee their pants by hoisting a dummy with a speaker (plugged into a mic of course) up to their 2nd storey window in a farm house….you even know this person. I’d go on, but this is the internets….I’ve already said too much.

  4. Pingback: Update: The Mysterprank Goes Global « theverysinglegirl
  5. Pingback: I thought it was over… | theVERYsinglegirl
  6. April

    An upside down broom on the opposite side of a closed door. Good Morning world! Opens door. WHAM! Right in the kisser! Up the ante by making it an OUTDOOR broom; complete with spider webs, potato bug corpses and human hair. You’re welcome.

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