Come Fly with Me

This may not come as a surprise to you by now (that is, if you happen to be following my blog. I shouldn’t assume. God, I’m vain), but while going through security on a recent flight home from Montreal, I happened to be selected for a random search.

Believe it or not, I actually found this thrilling! (But why? You ask. Your life is full of adventure and intrigue! What’s more exciting than an evening pickle?!) I knew this meant I’d get to go in that time machine-looking thing and get patted down in front of everyone. This thrilled me. Seriously.

Seriously.

Seriously.

…Not so fast! You missed a spot………Lower………Lower………Seriously, my shoes. You forgot to check my shoes.

— You’re sick.

I was flagged as the chosen one when I walked through that first body scanner where people ever-so-carefully endeavour to penetrate an invisible barrier. Invisible, people. Stiffening your body like you’re holding in a crap as you walk is not going to somehow evade the system. I personally like to march right on through, and that’s when a nice loud beep went off with accompanying flashing lights. I wasn’t wearing a Medieval metal bustiere under my clothes, that day, so I immediately knew something was up. The security guard, who waved me forward through the machine without once unpursing her lips, unceremoniously gestured for me to move to the side to await my destiny.

As a recruiter, I travel with some odd-looking things. First of all, the swag we give out to the students are these neat little screen wipes you can attach to your cell phone and use to rub the fingerprints off your screen. Super cool. Unfortunately, they happen to be packaged in such a way that at a quick glance, you’d think I’m giving the kids condoms.

Second of all, I also have to carry an awkward and bulky roll-up banner onto the flight.  We use them at university fairs behind our display to give it height. It’s very expensive and heavy so we don’t trust it to be thrown around with all the other checked luggage. So I always have to haul this thing in it’s case (see below) onto all my flights and am forced to piss people off when it temporarily blocks their luggage in the overhead storage bin. Ohhhhhhh, you’re soooooooo busy and important….ugh, people.

Back to the security line. I was now face-to-face with another security guard standing on the other side of the conveyor belt running the carry on items through the X-Ray scanner. “Is this yours?” he asked, as my wheeled briefcase emerged from the scanner.

“Yup!” I said.

He pressed a button and the flow of baggage came to a halt. “You have been selected for a random search.”

“Oh yeah? That’s cool. No big deal.” I played it super chill, very mellow, dude, but felt like I was going to internally combust from excitement! Maybe surveillance thought I looked sinister…that’s so bad ass!

He whipped out a plastic-looking black stick with a piece of white felt on the end. I peered at it, half expecting to see hardened hot glue peeking out from the edges. It looked like a prop from the set of Mr. Bean. He waved it around my briefcase like a wand as if it was actually doing something (I’m on to you airport security, you hacks!).

As he unzipped my briefcase, a look of confusion fell over his face. He said, “Uhhhhh, I’m not even going to ask about these…” and quickly closed the lid.

Oh my god.

Here is a rendering of what he pretty much saw:

In a panicked, high-pitched voice, I squealed, loudly,

“NO, NO, THOSE AREN’T CONDOMS!!!” 

I swear children cried and covered their ears while old ladies gasped and made the sign of the cross.

Then, in an attempt to lighten the situation, but in hindsight just made it more awkward, I added,

“I WISH those were condoms!”

Whaaaaaat???!!!

Luckily, the security guard was young and had a sense of humour. He laughed and said he knew they weren’t and he was just joking. A joking security guard?! That’s awesome!

So I pushed my luck.

He got the belt moving again and my big bad banner came out next. “Is this yours too?,” he asked.

.

“Oh yeah, that’s just my machine gun.”

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Yup.

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That’s what I said.

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That’s what she said.

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By now I’m sure you’ve figured out that I’m writing this to you from prison. It’s not so bad. I substituted chin-up hour for blogging hour. They’re cool with it. My bitch is too.

As the words came out of my mouth, I swear I felt my heart stop beating. Did I just say “GUN” in an airport security line???

Yes, yes I did.

And you know what? Nothing happened. The security guard continued laughing and sent me on my way.

.

Without the pat down.

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Aw, nuts!

theVERYsinglegirl

 

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8 comments

  1. Don't Quote Lily

    Oh man, you’re too much. This was a great laugh. I kept expecting you to say that you made this whole thing up! Saying “condoms” and “machine gun” in an airport security line…oh boy. Glad you got a guy with a sense of humor. 😆 Sorry you missed out on being groped though…maybe next time. 😉

  2. lillianccc

    I was about to say that the chances of meeting a security guy with a sense of humor is about next to zero but since you mentioned that this was a domestic, Canadian flight, that kind of makes sense. I was thinking whether this scene would be plausible at all in LAX (Los Angeles International Airport) and I kind of think you’d be hauled away for intense questioning instead. 🙂

  3. Chris Biscuits

    This is my favourite of everything that’s ever happened to you. I like to think you had a long hard look in the mirror and berated thusly; ‘What did I specifically tell me not to say?!’

  4. Pingback: Lessons in: Knowing your audience « theVERYsinglegirl
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