Lessons in: Knee-high hosiery

I am 26 years old. (Actually, I’m turning 27 in two weeks. You better get me more than an e-card). I am employed. Therefore, I fall into the category of what some like to call a “young professional.” I must say, I have felt a distinct shift this year. As I begin to inch out of my “mid-twenties” and into my “late-twenties,” I consequently have been changing up my wardrobe. While last year I was perfectly comfortable speaking to students in a shirt dress (not a typo) with leggings, I’m now all about the blazers and straight-leg dress pants.

Also, I’ve come to realize, especially during the fall/winter months, it’s not very cute to be wearing dress shoes with no socks/hosiery (my new favourite word. Also, are “panty hose” so named because it’s technically panties with two hoses attached?).  Not only is bare feet in shoes impractical because my first step out of a car always seems to be directly into an ankle-deep puddle, but it also takes away from the otherwise professional attire. Sigh. I’m growing up, folks.

Lately, I have ventured into the strange and mysterious world of knee-high hosiery. I bought three pairs of black patterned ones, and three pairs of “nude” ones. I learned a lesson I wish to generously impart to you: Match the hose to your toes (or any part of your skin, really. But that doesn’t rhyme). When I tried the “nude” ones on at home, my feet looked like they spent six months in Jamaica, when meanwhile, the rest of my skin happens to look like I (accurately) spent my whole life in front of the TV. But, I must say, I am loving the hose (I mean, I’ve never questioned the worth of hose and what they do for society. Hose deserve a medal for the gross things they have to put inside them. See what I did there?). My shoes fit better. And no more blisters! Listen up, ladies. Hose will change your world.

Today, I found some excellent sheer knee-highs. They perfectly match my skin tone, and have fancy grips on the bottom to prevent your foot from slipping in the shoe. True to form, I bought three pairs. Between my high school visits, I changed out of my black hose into the new hose that better matched my skin and looked more natural (I swear I’m not racist). I also bought some new shoes today, so I threw those puppies on as well.

This evening, I was at a university fair that first had a panel (each university rep speaks for two minutes about their school) on stage in a big auditorium, and then we were separated into our own rooms to do three consecutive presentations as the students and their parents rotated to whichever universities they were interested in. I was feeling pretty good about myself after the panel because I had managed to make the audience laugh: “…So, I hope you come to my presentation to learn more about my university. I even made up a rhyme for you to help remember my room. Come to room two, two…one, two–Make your dreams…come true.” Yup. That did it. You don’t have to be George Carlin to bring down the house at a university night.

Later, during my first presentation, I noticed that a girl in the front row kept looking down at my shoes. That’s right, I’m thinking. They’re new shoes. Pretty sleek and professional eh? I’m so grown up to you, aren’t I? So polished. So fancy. I’m the shit.

During my second presentation, I noticed a few more glances at my feet. Hells ya. Maybe word got around about the super cute patent leather pumps being sported in room 2212.

I caught even more glances during my third and final presentation. Lauren’s on fire!

During the last 20 minutes of the fair, students and parents were encouraged to visit all of the presentation rooms to collect viewbooks and ask any final questions. It was at this point that I got to sit down and relax. As I crossed my leg, this is what I saw:

No, I do not have a fungus.

Those scaly, psoriasis-looking (don’t look up images of it–you’ll vomit) circles are the ever-so-clever grips on my hosiery that twisted their way up from the bottom of my foot.

I’m soooooooooo glad I made sure the hose looked natural.

theVERYsinglegirl

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6 comments

  1. reedpropertymanagement

    Oh Lauren! Didn’t see this ending coming! I thought one of them was going to be down around your ankles! (Which may have happened to me before) I must admit I feel a little bad for being able to laugh at your misfortunate events.

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