Today is my 27th birthday. It’s also the US Presidential Election. Every four years my limelight is stolen by another country. I vote my birthday is more important.
I honestly didn’t plan on doing a post on my birthday. I’m alone in Calgary for work and knew I’d be spending the day doing school visits and then treating myself to a matinée and bed cupcakes. Even all day, I kept thinking, “Nope, nothing to write home about.” Five minutes ago changed that!
First, since I’m in sharing mode, here are some highlights from my day:
1. At my first school visit, I had to sit through the school’s morning assembly before students could come talk to me at my booth. So I sat patiently and watched students sidestep up to the mike to announce their bake sales and chess club meetings and how they totally crushed the rival high school last night! GO, *insert animal or historical figure*’s, GO!
Then, an old man in a white cowboy hat stepped up to the mike to do a traditional Calgarian white hat ceremony, presenting some school officials with, you guessed it, a white cowboy hat. He cleared his throat and started mumbling something incoherent. The crowd got restless…but we soon learned that he knew the art of deception all too well. After confusing and boring us, he sprang to life with this gem: “Don’t worry, folks. I know you’re getting tired in your seats, but like Henry the Eighth said to his wives, ‘I won’t be too long.'” Ummmm…did this geezer just make a wife-beating joke? To high schoolers?
He had some other classic jokes, ranging from one about Vancouver’s rainy weather to another about not trusting Mike Tyson’s ear clinic. He also said something that started with, “I met this little Chinese fellow….” but I didn’t quite get the rest.
So that made my morning!
2. During my lunch break, I came across a gourmet cupcake store. I went in with the intention of buying one little celebratory treat. I came out with this:
I couldn’t decide! Don’t make me make decisions on my birthday!
“Yes, please gift wrap them…it’s a birthday gift. They aren’t all for me if that’s what you’re thinking…” *nervous laughter*
I ate the little ones in my van while parked in the parking lot of the next school. Hey, what are you kids looking at? There’s nothing to see here! Keep walking…that’s right…keep walking…
3. After my school visits were over, I went to a matinée of Argo. I drank a big slushie. Remember this for later.
Ok, it’s later. After the movie, I made the always incorrect decision of putting off my post-movie pee until I got back to the hotel. It was a 10 minute drive. A couple of blocks away from my destination, a car was stalled in my turning lane. It look FOREVER for cars to get around it and then turn left. By the time I got to the hotel, I REALLY had to pee.
I scurried through the lobby into the world’s slowest elevator (the security cameras would reveal an amazing pee dance). When at last I reached my floor, I got to my door and swiped the key. I’m sure I don’t even have to tell you this. It’s a given. It wouldn’t work. Tried about fifteen more times.
I put my clothes back on (because I just turned briefly turned into The Hulk, thus ripping my clothes apart, in case you didn’t get it) and I raced back into the elevator. In the lobby that was empty a minute earlier, a man was now checking in. Of course, the other clerk was on the phone (and was waaaaaaay too cheerful if you ask me), so I had to be patient. And, by patient, I mean tap my toes and pace like a maniac. It really wasn’t an emergency, but I always like to pretend it is one when I’m mildly inconvenienced by malfunctioning hotel technology.
The man in line in front of me finally moved aside. I lunged toward the counter and slapped my key on the desk.
“Can I help you, ma’am?”
I kid you not, I don’t even think this story would really be story-worthy if it weren’t for his response:
Why am I about to pee my pants, you mean? How is that even a question??!!!
I was so confused and discombobulated that I just answered him: “BecauseIdranktoomuchslushieatthemovies!”
“Oh. I see. I meant, why do you think the key isn’t working?”
How is that an even better question???
“Do any lights blink?”
Why does this even matter? This guy is fucking with me.
“Okay, here you go miss. Have a nice evening!”
Yeah thanks. Go fuck yourself.
I didn’t pee my pants. But it was close. Ohhhhhhhh, it was close. Closer than this US Presidential Election, am I right?
Now, I’m going to eat the rest of my cupcakes in bed.
“…Happy biiiirrrrthday to meeeeeeeee!!!!”