Eat Nay Plug: Part Three

It would be advantageous for you to read Part One and Part Two first. But I’ll let you decide for your own good.

Platinum Status

After my harrowing airport experience, I was on the plane to Winnipeg. This was the view before descending:



I arrived at the Holiday Inn and checked in. After providing the credit card, signing my life away, etc, this was my conversation with the clerk–a short, round Chinese woman whose first language was not English:

Clerk: “I’ll help you with your luggage, Miss* a Lastname.”

*Miss was pronounced mease.

Me: “Oh no! That’s not necessary! I can manage. But thank you.”

Clerk: “No, no, Miss a Lastname. You have luggage. I’ll help you.”

Me: “Really, I’m fine! But thanks!”

Clerk: (pointing to computer screen) “You have one luggage arrived for you.”

Me: “OHHHHHHHH. You mean my PACKAGE? Yes, I am expecting a package. One box.”

Clerk: “Yes, I’ll help you with it.” (She disappeared into back and emerged with one box, handing it to me, AKA, “helping me” with it.)

Me: “Thank you very much. Sorry, I was confused! I thought you were saying you wanted to help me with my luggage (gesturing to my suitcase) and I was thrown off.”

Clerk: “I see you are a platinum member, Miss a Lastname. Very good.”

Me: (jokingly, in an exaggerated stuffy snob voice) “Mmmmm yes, that’s why I thought you were helping me with my luggage. I’m a very big deal. Mmmmm yes.”

Clerk: “I can help you if you’d like.” Starts moving around the counter.

Me: “NO, NO, NO! I’m just joking! Thank you!”

The Future is Now

I usually stay at Holiday Inn chains when I travel for work, hence accumulating enough points for platinum status. The decor in most of the locations is usually 1980’s sophistication–big floral prints on the walls and carpet, and mahogany furniture with brass fixtures. They’re usually updated with a flat screen TV and nice linens, but are always reminiscent of the year the hotel was built.

This was a brand new Holiday Inn. Instead of going with 2000’s decor, they went with the future.


Look at that carpet. Microbes chic?

And the bed is about to blast off!!!

This is something up my alley that I got really excited about:


I thought the table was meant to slide across me as I laid in bed and ate. I literally gasped out loud when I saw it, but then said, “Awwww nuts,” when I moved it to the bed and realized it wouldn’t fit.

The Fart

After taking pictures of my hotel room like a loser, I washed the airplane off of me and went down to the hotel restaurant for dinner. I brought my laptop so I could do some writing. The restaurant was open-concept and attached to the hotel lobby. And again, futuristic:


This was the view from where I was sitting. I was against the window, the hotel entrance and lobby was to the left of the picture and the rest of the restaurant, including a bar, to the right. I had a struggle when I first emerged from the elevator: I couldn’t decide if I wanted to be brave and sit at the bar where a man my age was sitting, or sit alone at a table. Since this isn’t a movie, I went with alone at a table. I was thankful I did, because I overheard his conversation with the bartender. He was telling her about his lactose intolerance. In great detail.

I ordered dinner, set up my laptop, and took my sweet time eating and typing away. I was in the zone and temporarily forgot where I was, so while feverishly writing, I accidentally let one rip.

Sidenote: I am a woman and therefore never, ever fart. This was a miracle. I’m going to contact medical journals.

When I let it go, I remember feeling like it was just a teeny, tiny one. A little puff, really, that wouldn’t make a sound. But I forgot I was sitting on a leather chair. It was short, but amplified by the chair and the acoustics of the open-concept room. It was like a quick but hard blow into a trumpet.

Like a pro, I kept my eyes on my screen and didn’t react. Out of the corner of my eye, I could feel the skinny teenage bus boy, who had been refilling my drink for the past two hours, sharply turn his head at the sound. I don’t know for sure if he knew what it was. I don’t know for sure if he knew it was me. But I could see it in his eyes when he served me for the rest of the evening. Something had changed between us. I left a big tip.



6 thoughts on “Eat Nay Plug: Part Three

  1. LMAO… Oh man. Seriously, total medical miracle. Women farting, that’s impossible.
    In public, that’s like my worst nightmare. But in this case, it happened around people you’ll never see again so…that’s not SO bad.
    It is SO funny though. All in all, a great trip, wouldn’t you say?

    1. That’s very true! If I’m ever back at that hotel, I like to think by then the bus boy would have moved on to the kitchen so he’d never see me again. As for the trip…I’ve had better but it made for some blog material, so that’s always good!

  2. I’ve never seen a Holiday Inn like that. Guess they’re trying to appeal to a new demographic.

    And should this public tooting happen again, you should just look around and have this expression like, “who WAS that? did you hear that??” I employ a similar tactic when I trip over nothing and then look down at the ground to examine the nonexistent pebble I stumbled over. 🙂

    1. The demographic of high people? They’d appreciate the aesthetics…

      Haha thanks for the tip! But, since this was a rare occurrence worthy of medical journals, I doubt it will happen again.

  3. Three things: one, I LOVE a Holiday Inn. I get unjustifiably excited by everything, especially the treats in the bathroom; two, farting on leather is a social disaster and I fear you will have to live with this for the rest of your life; three, this made me laugh so much that I did a little fart. But I’m sitting on my bed, so luckily my mattress absorbed the impact. 🙂

    1. HAHAHAHA you’re hilarious. Ohhhhh, if my mattress could talk…but it can’t. It’s choking on fumes.

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