Single Eye for you Married Guys

While my blog is generally a happy place, let me just state for the record that my perpetually single life isn’t always a series of funny missteps and situations that end with me shrugging and winking to a camera that isn’t there. I won’t lie. It’s tough out there for us singletons.

I recently went out with two couples for dinner and then out to a bar. I was the quintessential fifth wheel. It’s a situation all single people dread and avoid, but I figured I could stomach it. When the couples were ready to leave at midnight, I didn’t want to be the one stopping them from going home to make sweet, sweet love to each other all because some dude might have looked at me from across the sweaty dance floor. During the cab ride home, I couldn’t stop booze-fueled tears from streaming down my face. “WHY GOD WHY?! WHY?! WHY AM I SO ALONE????” Ok, it wasn’t that dramatic. But it was enough for the cabbie to turn around and say, “Don’t worry. I’m 40 and I’m still single.”

“Thanks.” Hey wait. How is that helpful?

People say (probably to shut me up about it), “Well, if you don’t want to be single anymore, why don’t you go online?” Gee. Thanks. Hadn’t thought of that. What is this internet thingy anyways? Also, that’s when my ego steps in and says, “Well, why should I have to PAY MONEY to find a man when all these cretins of the world didn’t have to?” (Don’t worry. I’m not talking about you.) And don’t you dare tell me about the free Plenty of Fish. I know what goes on there.

It’s all about timing and luck. Oh, and this thing called “love” I hear? So I’m confident it will happen someday. Because clearly, I am a person full of good timing and luck. Hmmm.

(Before my loving family members reach out and tell me how wonderful I am–STOP. I’m not fishing for compliments. I know how wonderful I am.)

So in the mean time….I have a bone to pick.

WHAT THE EFF is up with the stick figure families in the windshield of every minivan and SUV in the world? What is that supposed to accomplish? Seriously? “Just in case you didn’t know from the size of my vehicle and the screaming children in the back seat, I need to explicitly tell you, stranger driving behind me, that I am living the dream.”

Perhaps I’m hyper-sensitive as a single person, but every time I pull up behind one of these decals, I just think, “Yup. Thanks for the reminder, asshole!”

Is it a safety thing? Like if drivers see that you have precious cargo we’ll be less likely to slam into you? If that’s the rationale, it’s flawed because that little stick family probably does more to ignite road rage than to suppress it.

I’ve seen some stick figures that are meant satirize the stick families, like a single stick woman drinking from a martini glass. I wanted to follow that person home and shake her hand.

But for the most part, they look like this:

Sidenote: I took all of these pictures. Ignore the fact that some of them look like I was driving while taking them. You’re wrong.

stick5

Well. Isn’t that just perfect?

stick7

Yeah, yeah, we get it.

stick4

AND they’re Leafs fans. ‘Nuff said.

stick1

Oh come on. Nobody has six kids these days.

stick6

This just makes me think this family has a beach house somewhere. Jerks.

I’ve seen a few on the road that give me a slight hope for humanity. Like the aforementioned martini-sipper, and these:

stick3

Hells ya, single mom! You go girl!

stick2

Ok, yes there’s a cat there, but this couple didn’t leave room to add children. I respect that.

But still. Why? WHY?! I get that car decals are meant as an expression of something you care about, and I guess you should care about your family. But Jesus. Isn’t there such a thing as overkill?

Also, why is there always an escalating order to all of these, with the man at the front of the chain? Huh? HUH??? Feminism, glass ceiling, suffrage and other women’s rights words…Am I right, ladies?!

Oldest to youngest? Oh.

As I suspected, there are other people who feel the same way I do about these stick figure families. I found them online. Some responses are, um, extreme…

167759154839769530_DZbSmYwG_f1

Haha.

nobody-cares-about-your-stick-figure-family

Haha.

stickfigure2

Eeeek. That’s aggressive.

stick figures

Ok. Ummmm. Graphic. And confusing. Mommy needs to be locked up?

We-Are-Your-Stick-Family

Funny, but pretty similar to regular stick families. Your zombie stick family isn’t fooling anyone.

Untitled

That’s closer to my personal sentiments about it. But if you’re going to listen to anyone, let it be him:

$T2eC16d,!zQE9s3stYpWBRe-nbTsQw~~60_57

Why do people feel the need to share every detail of their life with complete strangers? It’s almost as bad as writing a bl….I’m going to stop there.

theVERYsinglegirl

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18 comments

  1. Don't Quote Lily

    OMG, I hate those stick figure family decals! Thought I was alone there. It happened so suddenly. One day I noticed one, and the next day, literally EVERY other car had them. It’s stupid and pointless. We should hunt down the idiot who started it all. I would totally have the second to last decal on my car… 😀

  2. Anonymous

    Stickers reveal “I have a daughter. She plays soccer. She wears number 6. She plays for WASPY Prep School.” And then mom wonders how the online perv knew all these details about her daughter.

    • theVERYsinglegirl

      Hahaha. No kidding! Pervs can just take a stroll through a mall parking lot to find a van that’s screaming “I have young children who are active and spend time in parks” and tail it. Pervs reading this, don’t get any ideas.

  3. meesha

    OMG. I was going to say we don’t have these here. Then on my way to work this morning a car passed me with some on the back window, the first I’ve ever seen. The invasion has started!

  4. Patrick R

    I think the real point behind all of these is that if your car is consumed in a horrible fire, you know how many bodies are supposed to be in there…too far?

    • theVERYsinglegirl

      No. Not too far. I was thinking in a terrible car crash, it would confuse rescue teams: “But there’s a dog and cat on the windshield! They have to be around here somewhere! Here poochy, poochy, kitty, kitty…NO! We are not leaving this scene without the ENTIRE family!”

    • theVERYsinglegirl

      THAT IS PERFECT. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Thanks for sharing. I hope to put one of those on my car someday….and have it be true. I’m actually very tempted to put it on now just to make a point. But I drive a rusty 2001 Taurus. They’d see right through me.

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