While my blog is generally a happy place, let me just state for the record that my perpetually single life isn’t always a series of funny missteps and situations that end with me shrugging and winking to a camera that isn’t there. I won’t lie. It’s tough out there for us singletons.
I recently went out with two couples for dinner and then out to a bar. I was the quintessential fifth wheel. It’s a situation all single people dread and avoid, but I figured I could stomach it. When the couples were ready to leave at midnight, I didn’t want to be the one stopping them from going home to make sweet, sweet love to each other all because some dude might have looked at me from across the sweaty dance floor. During the cab ride home, I couldn’t stop booze-fueled tears from streaming down my face. “WHY GOD WHY?! WHY?! WHY AM I SO ALONE????” Ok, it wasn’t that dramatic. But it was enough for the cabbie to turn around and say, “Don’t worry. I’m 40 and I’m still single.”
“Thanks.” Hey wait. How is that helpful?
People say (probably to shut me up about it), “Well, if you don’t want to be single anymore, why don’t you go online?” Gee. Thanks. Hadn’t thought of that. What is this internet thingy anyways? Also, that’s when my ego steps in and says, “Well, why should I have to PAY MONEY to find a man when all these cretins of the world didn’t have to?” (Don’t worry. I’m not talking about you.) And don’t you dare tell me about the free Plenty of Fish. I know what goes on there.
It’s all about timing and luck. Oh, and this thing called “love” I hear? So I’m confident it will happen someday. Because clearly, I am a person full of good timing and luck. Hmmm.
(Before my loving family members reach out and tell me how wonderful I am–STOP. I’m not fishing for compliments. I know how wonderful I am.)
So in the mean time….I have a bone to pick.
WHAT THE EFF is up with the stick figure families in the windshield of every minivan and SUV in the world? What is that supposed to accomplish? Seriously? “Just in case you didn’t know from the size of my vehicle and the screaming children in the back seat, I need to explicitly tell you, stranger driving behind me, that I am living the dream.”
Perhaps I’m hyper-sensitive as a single person, but every time I pull up behind one of these decals, I just think, “Yup. Thanks for the reminder, asshole!”
Is it a safety thing? Like if drivers see that you have precious cargo we’ll be less likely to slam into you? If that’s the rationale, it’s flawed because that little stick family probably does more to ignite road rage than to suppress it.
I’ve seen some stick figures that are meant satirize the stick families, like a single stick woman drinking from a martini glass. I wanted to follow that person home and shake her hand.
But for the most part, they look like this:
Sidenote: I took all of these pictures. Ignore the fact that some of them look like I was driving while taking them. You’re wrong.
Well. Isn’t that just perfect?
Yeah, yeah, we get it.
AND they’re Leafs fans. ‘Nuff said.
Oh come on. Nobody has six kids these days.
This just makes me think this family has a beach house somewhere. Jerks.
I’ve seen a few on the road that give me a slight hope for humanity. Like the aforementioned martini-sipper, and these:
Hells ya, single mom! You go girl!
Ok, yes there’s a cat there, but this couple didn’t leave room to add children. I respect that.
But still. Why? WHY?! I get that car decals are meant as an expression of something you care about, and I guess you should care about your family. But Jesus. Isn’t there such a thing as overkill?
Also, why is there always an escalating order to all of these, with the man at the front of the chain? Huh? HUH??? Feminism, glass ceiling, suffrage and other women’s rights words…Am I right, ladies?!
Oldest to youngest? Oh.
As I suspected, there are other people who feel the same way I do about these stick figure families. I found them online. Some responses are, um, extreme…
Eeeek. That’s aggressive.
Ok. Ummmm. Graphic. And confusing. Mommy needs to be locked up?
Funny, but pretty similar to regular stick families. Your zombie stick family isn’t fooling anyone.
That’s closer to my personal sentiments about it. But if you’re going to listen to anyone, let it be him:
Why do people feel the need to share every detail of their life with complete strangers? It’s almost as bad as writing a bl….I’m going to stop there.