I don’t use the expression lightly.
I could have sat anywhere at the mall food court during lunch today. I scanned the crowd and looked for a spot with the fewest crying babies in close proximity. I sat down.
A few minutes later, a guy sat down at the table next to mine.
The next 45 minutes were the strangest 45 minutes I’ve ever witnessed. And that’s saying a lot.
First, he took a 2L jug of pop out of his backpack and placed it on the table.
Seeing this, I got excited because it has been an inside joke between my friend Barbie (you’ll think this is a made up name to protect her identity. It isn’t. Or is it?…..It isn’t. Or is it?…..) and I that we think it would be cool to start carrying around a 2L jug of pop as if it was normal after we got one free with our pizza order months ago. Just think how hilarious it would be to randomly pull a 2L jug of pop out of your purse and start chugging in public. “I’m real thirsty!”
Well. It was happening!
I immediately took a picture and texted it to Barbie.
Note: This was the first of many pictures I would take of this guy. To be discrete, I turned my phone to the side, placed it under my chin and stared straight ahead as if I was deep in thought as I pushed the button.
I went back to my meal feeling so pleased that someone in this world would drink from a 2L jug of pop in public.
Then, I heard what sounded like the wobble of a water bed. I glanced to the side.
He was pulling out a BAG of MILK.
A 1L BAG of MILK.
A BAG of MILK, people!
I’ll let that sink in with you for a second.
A BAG of MILK.
He proceeded to do this with the BAG of MILK:
When the pop bottle was filled, he sucked on the milk bag until it was dry.
Again, I’ll let you absorb that.
He sucked on the bag until it was dry.
No, that’s what I said.
This is when I began to lose it. This guy was close enough for me to reach out and touch him and I had to stare straight ahead as if nothing was happening. I was convulsing trying to hold in my laughter as I continued to document the events via text message to Barbie.
I really get this guy though. It’s WAY cheaper to drink from 2L bottles and 1L bags. He’s just super economical. I respect that. He’s poo poo-ing on society’s conventions. Damned if he’ll spend more for a travel portion of a drink when he can spend less and have more!
After his bottle was filled with milk, he pulled this out:
A single pepperette.
After he ate the pepperette, he reached in his bag and pulled out….
Two travel packs. Ok, that’s normal. I didn’t bother taking a picture.
After the applesauce, he took out his next snack and left for a moment to dispose of the empty milk bag and pepperette bag. I had my chance to snap the picture uninhibited:
Hence the MILK!!!
He wants milk and cookies, so he’s going to do milk and cookies HARD!
I finished eating my neglected lunch as he ate half the box of Voortman’s Fudge Chocolate Chip Cookies. Then, I heard some rustling. Something new was coming out! I got in picture-taking position:
A bag full of buns!
After eating a couple of buns, he packed everything up and went on his merry way.
OR so I thought!
He went a few steps and then came back. My heart raced thinking he was about to lean in and say, “By the way, I know what you were doing,” flip his hair and walk away. Which would have been AWESOME. But he just sat down and pulled out his smart phone. I had to get back to work, so I sadly left him and his bag of tricks.
Below is my conversation with Barbie as the events unfolded.
Maybe he’s single?
It has since been brought to my attention by a couple of my compassionate, church-going friends that perhaps this person came straight from a food bank. It’s possible. I think this goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway: It is not my intention to make fun of anyone for being less fortunate. Whatever he is, he took out a BAG of MILK in public and sucked it dry. Next to ME of all people. THAT is what’s funny, regardless of his situation. So I apologize if anyone was offended by this post.
A BAG of MILK.