I moved. Here’s why.

Oh, hi! I didn’t see you there. Thanks for coming. It’s been a while. Did you miss me? I missed you. Here’s a recap of the fun we missed together during our time apart:

  • My Christmas hams healed nicely. Thank you for your concern.
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  • My boob bruise also healed nicely. Thank you for your concern.
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  • I really like my new job! It was busy and exhausting as I learned the ropes, hence my brief hiatus. It’s hard to write and edit all day long and then come home and…write and edit all night long. I liken it to being a proctologist. Proctologists must like the asshole enough to work on it professionally, much like me and writing. But surely, proctologists don’t go home from a long day at work and say, “Honey, stand right there and show me your asshole.” Though I guess if they were looking to take out some frustration with their long day…I’ll stop there.
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  • Someone let their dog shit in the hallway across the hall from my apartment. Somehow, I ended up being the one to clean it up. That’s a story for another day.

So there, you’re all caught up. And oh yeah!:

  • I moved!

Now, let me tell you why I moved. (The poop-scooping incident happened after my decision, so that shockingly is not it.)

Right now, leave this page and take a gander over to the comments section at the bottom of I thought it was over… . Don’t worry, this isn’t a ploy to get my hit count up. You don’t need to re-read the post (though if you’re new to my blog and want the whole story, or if you’ve just had a big meal and are bored with Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader, I’d suggest reading My neighbour (and my vacuum) can suck it! then Oh no. Now I’m the note Nazi. then A third note. No Joke. Does nobody want to talk to me?! then My crazy neighbour leaves her last note…because I killed her. Just kidding. But seriously, it’s an EPIC conclusion. then I thought it was over… and the comments section, to get the full backstory).

Note: I hid and changed certain names and apartment number’s in the comments for the sake of privacy. I’m nothing if not considerate. That is the only editing I did. The rest is very, very real.

Come on back when you’re done now, ya hear?

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Are you done yet?

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What is taking you so long?!

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Ok, this is ridiculous. I’ve lost my patience. Eff this.

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Oh, hi! Didn’t see you there! Glad to see you’re back. Did you miss me?

Oh, and

WHAT??????!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it’s a small world, blah, blah, blah, but really? What are the odds? I know we’re talking about me here, so I should have seen this totally improbable scenario coming, but come on! COME ON!!! COME ON!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, not one, not two, but THREE neighbours united against me in their blog-shaming. (Yes, the mysterpranker or the impostermysterpranker made an appearance at the end there, but, sigh, this isn’t about him/her this time.) What I love is that it’s not as much about the fact that I was blogging about things in our building (like freaking Harriet the Spy), but that I apparently pinched a nerve in all of them by making mention of the beloved, famous-musician building troubadour.

I didn’t think Neighbour #1 was real. I was convinced my friend Barbie (real name, fake name, real name, fake name?) was pulling a fast one, so much so that when I discovered the comment, I belligerently text bombed her at 6:30am trying to get her to admit to it. Wouldn’t you love to be my friend? Woken by, “You’re [insert name here], aren’t you! I know it was you! Admit it! ADMIT IT!!!” and having zero clue what I’m talking about.

When more hostile Neighbour #2 came into the picture, I knew it was not a prank. Later that day, I knocked on Apt. [insert # here] and introduced myself. You know, tried to make the nice. I learned it was a friend-of-a-friend situation on Facebook that led to her discovery of my blog. She didn’t give up the identity of the others.

Weeks later, I overheard Neighbour #1 and another neighbour (perhaps Neighbour #2 or #3) making fun of me. After I passed them on the entrance steps and did the obligatory neighbourly greeting, I entered my apartment only to hear them talking about the situation and laughing at me (my window was open and the entrance is beneath it). I felt like I was back in grade three when a classmate tricked me and though we had arranged the trade the day before, insisted the arrangement never happened and wouldn’t give me her bag of Mini Oreos for my Fruit Roll-Up. I later overheard her laughing with her friends about how I had tears in my eyes. Well, yeah! It was a pre-arranged bag of Mini Oreos for a Fruit Roll-Up trade! Who wouldn’t cry over that?! I’m only human!

So, I have moved. You know the expression, “Don’t shit where you eat?” Well, I shat all over my meal. Luckily, in this case, the meal was already pretty shitty to begin with, so my extra shit was just a garnish, really. Obviously, under normal circumstances, three harmless comments from strangers on the internet wouldn’t push me out of my dwelling. I had already been entertaining the idea when I started my new job. This episode just pushed me to aggressively search. It gave me the willies knowing that these people didn’t have a favourable opinion of me and knew exactly where I lived. Plus, not knowing the identity of Neighbour #2 and #3 made me paranoid. Anytime I greeted someone in the hall or parking lot, I was thinking, “Is it you? It’s you, isn’t it? Your smile said hello, but your eyes said I’ll cut you, bitch.”

My friends and family members who noticed the comments at the time were genuinely concerned. I knew the worst that could happen was coming home to a note taped to my door that said, “Your blog sucks,” so I wasn’t really frightened for me like they were.

Ok, who am I kidding? I was obviously frightened enough to wait until I was out of the building to blog about it.

It was time for me to go anyway. Really, what was I clinging to? The note sagas? The deranged squirrels? Oh, and as I mentioned and will elaborate on later, I sacrificed a kitchen utensil to SCOOP POOP from the hallway.

“…Misty water-coloured memmmmmmoriessssss of the way we were…”

It was fun while it lasted.

There you have it. What started as a neighbour below me unreasonably banging on her ceiling and leaving ridiculous notes, leading me to have the power to determine her eviction, has ultimately culminated in me leaving the building, tail between my legs.

Film rights to the highest bidder.

theVERYsinglegirl

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20 comments

  1. duncanr

    I’ve ‘liked’ this post – but I don’t really like it

    I hate bullying of any sort and just wanted to give you some sign that I am sorry you felt you had to move. I hope you will be happier in your new abode

    That said, sod the excuses – let’s see more posts from you now ! 😆

  2. meg_pirie

    All I want to do is hold you close and feel you fruit roll-ups! Miss you! Enjoy a pleasant autumn free of rabid squirrels, hallway feces, and SCURRY notes. xoxo

  3. lillianccc

    Honestly, I think your neighbors were just scared you would end up writing about them and decided to kick you down before you did that (not that it didn’t stop you from writing about them anyways 😉 ).

    Here’s to hoping your new place is better or at least, without any passive-aggressive note-leavers!

    • theVERYsinglegirl

      That is an excellent theory! But let’s make one thing clear–I don’t write this blog about other people (I’m much too selfish for that)…I just write about myself. If they do something stupid that affects me, then I can’t help that! It’s their own fault! Haha

  4. Don't Quote Lily

    I say this practically every time but NO WAY!! COME ON!! Who else does this happen to? Who? No one!! So ridiculously entertaining! It’s probably for the best though. Way too many crazies in one little building.

    By the way, I love this line…it’s so quote-worthy: «”Your smile said hello, but your eyes said I’ll cut you, bitch.”» 😆

  5. Pingback: Shit happens. To me. Go figure. | theVERYsinglegirl
  6. lovetrustlive

    Yup. I read all of the past posts. So hilarious. You have the greatest sense of humor, and you write your stories in a way that makes them so enjoyable. I myself am a huge fan of sarcasm. I will definitely be checking in regularly to see what happens next!

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