I’m all about that base

Hi everybody! It’s your friendly neighbourhood toothless wonder here! I last left you months ago with the infamous* tooth knock out story. I’m now weeks into recovery from gum surgery, proudly sporting a temporary retainer with a fake tooth hanging off it until my gums heal and I can get a bridge put in permanently.

*According to me.

You know the expression #firstworldproblems? Well I’ve got #missingtoothproblems.

  • The other day I drove halfway to work and realized I forgot to put my tooth in, so I drove back home to get it. I never thought an answer to, “Why were you late?” could ever be, “I forgot my tooth.”
  • I’ve had a couple of people mistake the small space between my gums and the fake tooth for food stuck in my teeth and give me a heads up. It’s been fun to say, “Oh thanks!” then pretend to pick at it and pop my tooth out into my hands while they watch in horror.
  • I’m having trouble pronouncing certain words, so I’ve been consciously trying to avoid certain statements, particularly if they’re riddled with s’s. “Did you see Survivor last night?” turns into “Did you watch TV at 8 p.m. on CB…shit…frig…channel 21 the night before today?”
  • The retainer is uncomfortable to wear, so if I’m in the comfort of my own home, you can bet I’m not wearing it and look like a regular ol’ slack-jawed yokel. In determining whether or not to leave the house, I have to decide if an outing is “tooth worthy” – ie, worth putting in my tooth.

But blah blah blah, that’s not the reason for this resurrection. This is nothing. Something actually ridiculous happened to me that I now feel brave enough to share.

The names of the stores I’m about to mention have been changed pending a potential criminal investigation. You’ll understand later.

At my house I have a patio with a little seating area and some flower pots and a planter. I decided on a nice day to buy some flowers for said pots and planter at House Shit. As I left the store with flowers and dirt in tow, it occurred to me that I should check some other stores to see if they have any reasonably-priced patio umbrellas. Since I’ve decided to be anti-tanning this year to maintain my don’t get out much youthful glow, I wanted a nice big umbrella to hide under. Last year, I tied a beach umbrella to a chair anytime I wanted shade. Classy.

I first drove to Cheap House Shit. No umbrellas caught my eye, but I noticed they sold umbrella bases separately. Having never bought a patio umbrella before, it didn’t occur to me that the umbrella and the base could be sold separately. Huh. Carrying on.

Next I went to More Cheap House Shit. As soon as I stepped into the store I saw it – a big green umbrella that matched my patio chairs. Perfect! AND it came with its own base, all for only 50 bucks! The bases I saw earlier at Cheap House Shit ranged from 30 to 60 bucks on their own. An umbrella AND a base for 50 bucks? What a bargain!

I noticed the base was a little bit scratched up, so I showed an employee and asked if they had any new ones in the back. She checked and said that was the last one. Ok then. Sold. Whatever. It’s going outside anyway.

She asked if I needed assistance but I insisted I’d be ok. It was a bit awkward to manoeuver – instead of being placed inside the base, the umbrella was zip-tied next to the trunk of the base.

Like this (artist’s rendering):

So with a big heave ho, I lifted the umbrella and base together.

Have you ever noticed when you walk into a large store, sometimes a massive tube TV circa 1990, displaying security footage of you walking in, hangs suspended from the ceiling?


As the top of the umbrella made contact, the TV hanging about six feet above my head shook loudly then violently swung back and forth as it slowed to a stop. People stood watching with their jaws dropped and mouths hung open. I decided it would be best to carry on like nothing happened. “It’s all good!” I said, as I carried it to the checkout.

Again, at the checkout, the cashier asked if I needed assistance. “No, no, I got this.”

I tilted it forward and carried it horizontally out the store like I was jousting, the umbrella portion in front of me and the trunk of the base resting on the side of my hip.

When I got about halfway through the parking lot, suddenly, a gust of wind blew! The umbrella, with a span of nine feet, aggressively snapped open and began pulling me forward with it! I was freaking Mary Poppins!

I shrieked and clambered to plant my feet firmly to the ground as I slowed to a stop. A man walking towards me said, “Wow! I wish I had a camera! That could have been on Funniest Home Videos!” He helped me close the umbrella and I sheepishly continued walking to my car.

It took me some time to figure out how to fit the thing in my car. I had a sinking feeling I’d have to lug it back into the store until I could arrange for a friend with a bigger car to pick it up. But with some unprecedented seat manipulation, I finally figured it out.

What an ordeal. But I was still pleased with my purchase. It was worth it.

When I got home I was excited to place the umbrella into the stand and test her out. But I couldn’t seem to figure out how to open the top of the base.

What’s this tab for?

What the?



That’s not an umbrella base.

It’s one of these:

The umbrella wasn’t supposed to come with a base. Hence only 50 bucks.

That’s just how some genius chose to display it.

And that’s how another genius ended up taking it home.

There’s no way in hell I’m returning that thing to the scene of the crime at More Cheap House Shit. Especially after my embarrassing exit. I hope they try to solve the mystery of the missing retractable ribbon barrier by looking at video footage to watch the bumbling “thief” first hit the TV and then almost fly away in the parking lot. It was quite the elaborate getaway. But I’m confident this footage would also reveal that several sales staff witnessed this and also clearly thought it was a base. So they practically gave it to me.

But I’m not that confident, as I waited for an undisclosed amount of time after the incident before posting this story. There must be a statute of limitations on such things.

Oh, and I did some tinkering and it is a base now. Ha.



6 thoughts on “I’m all about that base

  1. Haha! Oh my god, have I missed your blog posts! Pass the depends Earl, cuz I’m peein’ myself with laughter! Lady, you are all kinds of awesome. Please don’t leave us again. And, seriously get a book deal under way. If E L. Frickin’ James could get one, YOU should have NO trouble. 🙂

  2. Hi Lauren – I love getting your updates. I was laughing out loud when I read this…..you’re a great writer!!

    Patricia (Pat) Lawhorn
    Financial Security Advisor
    Craievich Financial Services Inc.
    434 Christina Street North
    Sarnia, ON, N7T 5W2
    Tel: (519) 337-6553 x25 Fax: (519) 337-6552
    Toll Free: 1-877-869-6116
    Client Service Centre: 1-877-566-5433

  3. I think they call this ‘acquiring wisdom’…God knows I have a life time of ‘acquiring wisdom’ in similar and much worse ways. It’s an adventure!

  4. Bahahaha who the hell would display an umbrella on one of those things?!

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