Alright, so I recognize my last few posts have been a bit lackluster (really, a bit on elevators?). I’m sorry! If you can believe it, weird things just haven’t been happening to me lately! Maybe it’s possible I’ve paid my dues and the universe has moved on…
Ya, ya, I won’t bet on it, but before I go on a bit of a posting break, I’ve decided to dig back into the ol’ archives of my life and leave you with a poop story.
Right about now, my mother is throwing her hands in the air and giving up hope of grandchildren. Continue reading
WARNING: Do not read if you are eating, just finished eating, disgusted by bodily functions, or if you are my mother who begged me not to share this story. Continue reading
No shame. Continue reading
A couple of weeks ago at her bachelorette, a very dear friend of mine announced that she would be walking down the aisle to Pachelbel’s Canon at her wedding. I oooooo’d and awwwww’d along with the other girls but meanwhile, fought to hide a multitude of facial contortions, twitches, and ticks. I felt it would be in poor taste to tell her that I despise the song–for good reason.
Her wedding this past weekend was beautiful. When she came down the aisle I was so overwhelmed with how breathtaking she looked that my feeling toward the serenading musical score was the furthest thing from my mind. Well, it was pretty far from my mind. Ok, it was in my mind, but not at the forefront. Fine, it was in my mind, not at the forefront, but close enough for me to notice. Actually, I didn’t think of it at all because that would be self-centred…
I bet you’re thinking I don’t like it because I’m single and cynical and it’s music that’s most associated with weddings and I’m bitter and jaded.
I wish that was the case. Continue reading
While this story unfolded, I remember thinking, “This is something that would happen to Larry David.” For those of you who don’t know (and shame on you), Larry David is a comedy legend. The man behind Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm, he often derives the plot lines straight from his own experience, which usually includes awkward, uncomfortable, mostly trivial but sometimes mortifying situations that most people won’t ever find themselves in. He’s also a fox. Continue reading
…called all the Esso stations in your city to find out if they sell slushies at that location, and if so, what flavours?
…slipped on ice and fell flat on your back in the middle of the street at 3am while carrying a slice of pizza which landed face down a few feet away, rescued the pizza, and still ate it when you got home after dusting off most of the snow and pebbles? Continue reading
You would do it too if you happened to be alone in the Shopper’s Drug Mart cosmetics department. And by “happened to be,” I mean waited around for 20 minutes until the coast was clear. Continue reading